Book Excerpts
Introduction
The Fertile Darkness
The Naked Heart
First Impressions
Faces in the Mirror
Dismantling Negative Patterns
Shakti
Union
Sexual Communion
The Essence

Articles
- The Secret of the Sexual Dance

Chapter 8

Sexual Communion

A thousand half-loves must
be forsaken to take one
whole heart home.
--Rumi

It was a chilly, late summer evening in the high Cascades of Oregon. A bright full moon crept up over the rocky crags of the east crater wall.   Aside from the occasional splash of a rainbow trout, the lake was completely still; but not so for us.  We hugged and kissed in our new brown sleeping bags with all the intensity of young lovers.  Suddenly, Faye pulled back and said, "Honey, if we keep on this way we're going to have us a baby!"   We eased up momentarily. 

Five minutes passed, when a whole new surge of energy kicked in.  Shakti streamed throughout our bodies, transforming physical pleasure into deep spiritual joy and bliss. 

Twenty-two years later I still have a mental picture of the moon's reflection in Faye's big green eyes.  There is still within me a pool of ecstasy from which our first child, Julian, was conceived on that auspicious eve in the high mountains.  At that time, we knew very little about sacred sex from a technical point of view.  But experientially we realized that sex—under conscious loving conditions—could become a powerful vehicle for ecstatic spiritual sharing.  We found that sexual energy both pleasured and healed us.

In this chapter we are going to explore sexual expression as a way of spiritual communion in the heart.  We will share an understanding that will allow us to experience not only much greater pleasure but deeper intimacy with each other and the Beloved. 
 
Sex is deeply misunderstood in virtually every civilized culture.  Social and religious conditioning based on the fear of original sin (a patriarchal doctrine, which conveys that we are separate from the Divine) has done much to block the hidden secrets of conscious lovemaking.  Reinforcing this conditioning is our sense of not feeling loved, which develops at some point in childhood as our separate egos take shape.  As a result, the connection to our life-energy, or shakti, is weakened, and our minds become tense.  As we enter adulthood, sex becomes one way of superficially releasing the build up of this primal tension, or knot, in the psyche. It becomes a kind of control mechanism and release valve for our stressed egos.  From a conventional perspective the focus of sex is on orgasm and release.  At that moment, however briefly, the tension of the ego is discharged and our whole system relaxes.  It is like having a good sneeze.

In sexual communion, we open more deeply.  Our focus shifts from having orgasm to opening into the heart.  We expand and extend physical pleasure until the mind, or ego, is released.  It is here—in the heart—that the deepest internal knots are dissolved and a profound sense of well-being flowers.  In deep lovemaking the heart is undressed and we unite with our deepest spiritual essence.

Why, then, is there confusion in many spiritual schools about sex?  Much of it has to do with fear. For several thousand years spiritual teachings have been dominated by patriarchy, the split between mind and body, and a hierarchy in which the mind is viewed as far superior to and more holy than the body.  Western mythology and scripture point to omnipotent male deities residing in the sky and on tops of mountains (representative of the head and mind) and the lesser, weaker, feminine deities being grounded as Mother Earth (representative of the body and the heart).

The mind, or masculine principle, unconsciously fears the natural instincts of the body, the feminine principle, because when fully engaged sexually, it loses control; our attention is literally booted out of our heads and returns to our hearts.  Thus, spiritual traditions evolved which emphasized the renunciation of the body—and its delightfully sexual nature—as a way of liberation.  Such approaches do work for special individuals.  But often they are used unknowingly as subconscious strategies of the mind for maintaining its sense of separateness, domination and control.  Our relationship to the world—and to one another—is a reflection of our subtle relationship to our bodies.

On the other hand, sex without love can be dangerous and damaging to life.  It can be used for control, manipulation and ego-gratification. And because of its immense power over the rational mind, individuals can become addicted to the release.  Thus, many spiritual paths offer caution to their students in working with their sexual energies.  There is wisdom here.  But for spiritual seekers whose hearts are cultivated and who find themselves in a loving relationship, sex becomes an exquisite doorway into the Spirit.

Conscious sex dissolves the separation between mind and body, head and heart, masculine and feminine.  It floods the cells of our bodies with joy.  In deep sexual communion our entire consciousness gets reoriented toward the care and protection of life.  As the heart opens through sexual love we spontaneously seek a cooperative relationship with each other and the world. It is a form of Holy Communion wherein we consume the body as sacrament and through patience and care enter the sanctum sanctorum of the Heart. 

When ejaculation in the male is delayed, the shakti that is generated and normally released quickly through the genitals can be easily directed upward into the higher centers and allowed to flow throughout the entire body for deep rejuvenation and healing.  This is the true art of lovemaking.  Rather than the sexual act taking a matter of minutes, the climax can be delayed and pleasure dramatically intensified for virtually hours. When we bring awareness into the sexual dance, we enliven a powerfully harmonizing energy between us.
 
The entire universe is composed of positive and negative, masculine and feminine, yang and yin forces.  All of life is an exquisite and sensual dance of opposites from subatomic particles to huge galaxies spanning light years.  As Jungian psychology has informed us, each person, regardless of gender, has within him both masculine (yang) as well as feminine (yin) qualities.  The path of coming into wholeness, or individuation as Jung referred to it, is an alchemical process of harmonizing these two opposing forces.  Nowhere is this process more evident than in the sportive, erotic, dance of intimacy.  Because these forces are psychic as well as physical, these teachings apply to many same sex relationships. 

When a man and woman truly commune sexually—bringing loving care and awareness into the act—the natural polarities come into balance.  Man becomes more attuned to his receptive feminine side.  Woman becomes more attuned to her focused masculine side. This allows for integration within whereby the interconnected opposites begin coexisting harmoniously.  The psychic knot of duality (separateness) and the mental tension it generates not only get discharged but are provided a way to heal.  In Tantra, this process of integration is called the marriage of Shiva and Shakti. 

It’s important to acknowledge that in integrating our feminine and masculine energies, we by no means lose any aspect of our essential gender specific qualities. It is a spiritual law that opposites ultimately strengthen one another. As men and women become more attuned to each other during sexual communion, it has a strengthening effect on their essential gender qualities. After full sexual intercourse a man feels more alive and energized in his basic maleness, and a woman feels fuller and more powerful in her receptive femininity.  Both experience a revitalization of their wholeness.

A word of caution: couples are ready for sexual communion only when they have attained a certain level of emotional responsibility, psychological awareness, and a strong love of the Divine. And, of course, they must love each other. Without love for each other and the Divine, and without a sense of emotional responsibility and psychological awareness, sex is simply a disguised form of self-pleasuring and tension release. Instead of circulating gold, couples exchange the mud of latent guilt and resentment.
 
In previous chapters we have discussed various types of conflict within a relationship, many of which are centered on betrayal, anger, or fear.  At its root, all conflict is the result of a build-up of tension and fear caused by the feeling of separation from our source, from the Beloved.  The mind—or ego—is the instrument responsible for this illusion. Wanting relief from tension, the mind fights mercilessly to maintain the illusion of its separate existence.  The mind’s struggle for self-preservation is simply another name for conflict.  The mind resists love and experiences pain in surrender.  In deep sexual communion, our basic duality is transcended, masculine/feminine energies are harmonized, and the essential cause of conflict and suffering dissipates.
 
In the dance of sexual communion, as men we learn to go slow and relax fully into the experience, we allow the energy to build up and circulate throughout our systems.  For women, as our men bring more presence and patience into the bedroom, we are able to have multiple orgasms and effortlessly circulate the healing energy throughout our entire bodies. The endocrine system, when sexually stimulated, produces wonderfully rejuvenating chemicals which flood our internal organs.  In this process whatever imbalances exist physically, emotionally, or psychologically, tend to surface and get released.  Remember, sexual energy is life energy.  Life energy always seeks restoration of balance and well-being.